At this time of life, I hoped to be very grumpy and set in my ways. But I never settled down on anything long enough to take ownership. I've been warned all my life about being inconsistent, standing between two opinions, being lukewarm instead of hot or cold, being of two minds, and sitting on a fence. I'm sure there are more ways to express that sentiment, but I think you get the picture.
Okay, so I wasn't that big on decisiveness and commitment. I suppose that's why I've always had a fondness for the expression, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." I could stand on principle only so long then I got really, really tired. Practicality usually won out. But not always. Sometimes, I had to admit that I didn't want to be that principled in the first place.
Yet, after all of these years of frogging around, I'm rather happy to be where I am. Sure, I miss some of the things that where particularly formative and fun. Oddly, their meaningfulness is still with me. So, it's not as if I jettisoned everything each time I moved onto something else. Besides, that would have taken too much energy, spiritual and otherwise.
While mucking through the middle ground, I noticed some things. Like I didn't need to worry so much. What? Me Worry? I should have learned that lesson when I was reading MAD magazine. I can worry enough on my own, but I surely didn't need to worry about all the crap that everyone thought I should. I've met some VERY serious people. But I finally figured out that their supposed concerns didn't matter to me and quite frankly, I don't think they really mattered to them either. It seems we can feel rather important with minutiae.
Fortunately, it was earlier on that I realized that I wasn't as wonderful as I thought I was. That wouldn't have left me with much, but I also realized that I wasn't as bad as I thought. This might have been easily predicted when I found myself in so many other similar compromises. One scoop of vanilla and one scoop of chocolate please. I truly live in an Ebony and Ivory world. Being good, or just plain, absolutely wonderful, has it's own problems. But being bad doesn't have as many problems as you might think.
As the old Chinese proverb says, "Man who stands in middle of the road gets hit by trucks going both ways." It's interesting how being wishy washy upsets so many people. More interesting is the need to agree in order to fit in. I tried that a lot. But I was never good at playing the game. Sooner or later, my real stance or disinterest would come out. Some groups were quite clear on what it took, others weren't. Then there were groups that prided themselves on allowing for a variety of stances, even to the point that wavering was evidence of thoughtful consideration. But regardless, there was pressure to agree in order to fit in, to be one of them.
It seems I would have fit in somewhere, but I didn't. I definitely didn't fit into school, but high school was a little better as could arrive late or miss a day entirely. I didn't fit into Bible school, the Army, the various hospitals I worked at, the various churches I attended, seminary, community organizing, political campaigns, counseling, the VA and not even detox. I would like to think I gave each of them an honest try, at least at some point. The common denominator here was me. How do I know that? My "friends" tell me all the time.
Chances are that I might not get to heaven. I'm running at about 51% right now. No surprise there. Let's say I get in by some error in calculation or statistical anomaly. I still would be weary of fitting in. There's that whole thing about spewing luke warmers out the mouth. You might be able to see where this is going. Given the choice between heaven and hell, I'd pick the earth every time, with the option of visiting heaven now and then of course. I think that's only wise.
Adam and Eve may have been kicked out of the garden but eventually, they must have said, "You know, we never really fit in there. This is more like who we really are." The good thing is, each of us gets to understand their own life journey the way it makes the most sense. There is no way that anyone can be the judge of that. You never know the challenges in someone's life, and there's no basis to assume otherwise. Unless they admit to being the asshole you thought they were ...and maybe not even then.
I can't say that there was some purpose for all the changes. I could have done differently, but I didn't. It seemed when the winds of change started to blow, I was really to go with them. I've always felt a little bit pushed along. So, I'll not be surprised when the winds of change begin to blow again. They only mean I have further to go.
BONUS
CREDITS
http://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/thefactsoflifelyrics.html
Fortunately, it was earlier on that I realized that I wasn't as wonderful as I thought I was. That wouldn't have left me with much, but I also realized that I wasn't as bad as I thought. This might have been easily predicted when I found myself in so many other similar compromises. One scoop of vanilla and one scoop of chocolate please. I truly live in an Ebony and Ivory world. Being good, or just plain, absolutely wonderful, has it's own problems. But being bad doesn't have as many problems as you might think.
You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.
Chances are that I might not get to heaven. I'm running at about 51% right now. No surprise there. Let's say I get in by some error in calculation or statistical anomaly. I still would be weary of fitting in. There's that whole thing about spewing luke warmers out the mouth. You might be able to see where this is going. Given the choice between heaven and hell, I'd pick the earth every time, with the option of visiting heaven now and then of course. I think that's only wise.
Adam and Eve may have been kicked out of the garden but eventually, they must have said, "You know, we never really fit in there. This is more like who we really are." The good thing is, each of us gets to understand their own life journey the way it makes the most sense. There is no way that anyone can be the judge of that. You never know the challenges in someone's life, and there's no basis to assume otherwise. Unless they admit to being the asshole you thought they were ...and maybe not even then.
I can't say that there was some purpose for all the changes. I could have done differently, but I didn't. It seemed when the winds of change started to blow, I was really to go with them. I've always felt a little bit pushed along. So, I'll not be surprised when the winds of change begin to blow again. They only mean I have further to go.
BONUS
CREDITS
http://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/thefactsoflifelyrics.html
