Grief and loss as the unifying factor of life seems like the last thing one would consider. Yet, if anything, it is our most raw and real experience. We might have a context for such to occur. But many times there is just too much to make any kind of sense. The first time I heard this spoken by a cleric was at the funeral of Alan Laff. Alan died leaving younger children who were the focus of his life and a Catholic wife who made sure that the children were raised in the Jewish Tradition. His rabbi very bravely said, "I don't understand why. It makes no sense. ....And I don't think it makes sense to God either." Truly that was the case for losing Alan and many others.
Yet some do quite well within their own particular understanding of loss or losses. I think there's a parallel with the number of others who share that understanding and participate with you in the traditions observed when one passes. There is such a thing as "Good Grief" as Charlie Brown would say. I think that's possible when there is some sense to the loss, even with those who were dearly loved and especially close. Eventually the pain fades a little and you can begin to accept what your life is without them. But there will always be those moments.
But what of the losses where the grieving continues to be a dominant part of your everyday life and leaves you overly sensitive to reminders and without any control of emotional triggers? It's been described in many ways but the one that seems to fit the best is "the hole in the soul that does not heal." It's hard to explain why some losses leave us permanently wounded. It's hard to explain tearing up and not being able to speak as your spirit shutters anew with the pain and emptiness. It's hard to explain how after so many years that your love has actually grown, leaving you to wonder even more about what could have been.
We are drawn to the peak of life when another life is taken from us. Maybe if only an instant we fully see what we had with them all along and the difference their lives truly made. It is a time when all that normally seems so important fades in the light of spiritual understanding. Our base instincts are nulled by an ethereal feeling of love, kindness and caring. Few could ever stay at this point and I think that is for the best. It may vary, but it's not that long before the natural distancing begins to occur. We may wonder why the awareness, feeling and and experiencing of the ultimate reality doesn't work any better. Oddly, there's some needed comfort in a familiar laugh, some hope in a fond remembrance and some order to the demands of everyday living.
I like the idea that life sometimes doesn't make any sense to God. I like the idea that in our deepest pain and sorrow, we might be as close to the divine as we will ever be in this life. I like the idea that being permanently wounded isn't so much a life sentence as it is a constant reminder that life is bigger than I could ever possibly imagine. And I like the idea that all pretenses are loss to the sameness of tears.
